| Photo: Bigstock
) Vladimir Putin, Joe Biden and Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Hard to say whether any of them are sensible. It is therefore difficult to know who came up with the idea. For narrative purposes, and also because here beside me I have an ex-KGB agent with a polonium capsule in his hand, let’s say that it was Putin who invited the other leaders for a beer at Bar do Dante. “Let’s settle this mess at once”, he said, or rather, ordered him.
Biden, accustomed to obey what the nurses say, he was the first to accept the invitation. For the briefest moment he even wondered if alcohol would interfere with memory meds, but then he forgot. And he tried to get Air Force One refueled. Volodymyr Zelenskyy was exchanging memes on the NATO WhatsApp group when he received the invitation. He preferred the trilateral meeting to be at Barbaran. But, already irritated by the loss of Donetsk and Luhansk (not to mention the Crimea, that ungrateful one!) to his neighbor, he thought it best not to bother with such a silly detail.
The first to arrive was Biden, disguised as an Athletician and wearing an old Paulo Rink shirt he got at the last minute from the Secret Service. He sat at that table in the back, turned his chair towards the door, ordered a Serramalte and waited. Before Biden forgot who he was, where he was and why, Putin and Zelenskyy arrived together. Recognizing each other, they shook hands civilly. It was once again up to Putin, disguised as a thigh-white and wearing that strange orange shirt, to break the ice. “Oh, Zelinha! You really came! Good, man! Give me a hug!”, said the Russian leader, offering himself for the bear’s embrace.
Zelenskyy remembered Donetsk and Crimea, that ungrateful one (he didn’t like Luhansk much), thought it would be hard to explain it back home, but, you know what? ! For diplomacy anything goes! And he let himself be embraced by the enemy. He wore a Paraná Clube shirt, which he affectionately called paranito
. Of the three, only Zelenskyy was not in disguise. He really supports Paraná Clube, can you believe it?
The two got together to Biden, who was studying the beer bottle carefully, trying to understand how it worked. Putin put an end to the mystery, serving them both and ordering a portion of alligator meat. “We should have called Macron,” Zelenskyy said, feeling inexplicably guilty about the absence of the ally français . “And that German 2022 angry. What is her name? Me? Me? Merkel!” said a belated Biden. Putin and Zelenskyy burst out laughing, but he didn’t understand the joke.
The food has arrived. “Tastes like fish, doesn’t it?” observed Zelenskyy. “I think it’s a little stronger,” Putin semi-disagreed. “What’s a fish?” Biden asked. Everyone – even Biden – laughed. And they drank and ate and went about more important matters, before talking about invasion and even the nuclear threat. They pushed the matter with their stomachs, stuffing themselves with lambari and frog and jaguar meat, until there was no way out.
It was Biden who finally pointed out the elephant in the room. “Guys, the chat is good, but I think it’s time for us to talk about that thing there. My license expires shortly. Kamala already texted all nervous here. And tomorrow morning I work…”, she told her. Putin dried the glass, which landed with a crash on the table. Zelenskyy was startled and Putin laughed. “Wants to know? You know what?”, he asked without answering, his voice a bit pasty and those small eyes even more diminutive.
Everyone wanted to know. And, for a few seconds, the three of them were silent, looking at nothing, contemplating that delicious little thriller. Finally a generously drunk or drunkenly generous Zelenskyy decided to speak. “Hey Putin, you’re not putin2022 with me, right?”. The only one who laughed at the joke was a gentleman who was passing by the table on his way to the bathroom. “Let’s do the following”, he offered without the colon and increasing the suspense.
“Come on!” said an excited Biden, more lost than deaf in bingo, blind in gunfire, termite in metallurgical, louse in bald head, colorblind assembling Rubik’s Cube and onion in fruit salad. Putin and Zelenskyy stared at each other for endless seconds. Biden, believing he was in the middle of an all-important fight over who gets the last laugh, jumped in too. Until finally Putin and Zelenskyy spoke at the same time: “Can can to enter into NATO provinces”.
World peace sealed , Biden asked for the bill. “Let me pay. It won’t make a difference to our deficit,” he said. As the waitress brought the machine, he sent a message to Kamala. “It didn’t work 🙁 We need another excuse :-(”. Kamala replied with a “Humpf. Only old gagás still put little nose in emoticon”.