I was calm, drinking whiskey with boitatá juice, listening to gaucho punk rock and reading “A Lua Vem da Asia”, a classic nonsense by Campos de Carvalho (the author honored by this chronicle), when I came across the news that the Superior Electoral Court decided to redouble its efforts to contain the spread of “known untrue facts” about electronic voting machines, the electoral system, the emergence of the Universe and the extinction of the dinosaurs. Then, without further ado, I spilled the drink, slipped on the marbles that someone had surreptitiously dropped on the floor, hit my head and, when I woke up, I started writing this chronicle.
1. The first electronic voting machines arrived in the caravels. They were rudimentary instruments, but safe and inviolable – according to Pedro Álvares Cabral, who was also captain of the fleet and president of the TSE at the time. Exchanged for pau-brasil, at first the electronic voting machines were a reason for celebration in the villages. Over time, however, doubts arose, and with doubts, distrust. The situation worsened after the close election of chief Dilma Guarani-Kaiowá. And I’m just not going to tell you what happened to Bishop Alexandre Sardinha so as not to be accused of making an apology for cannibalism.
2. In 1789, Minas coup plotters angry with the 20% tax levied so that the Monarchy could give everyone, all and all health, education, security and housing, planned the famous Inconfidência do Pão de Queijo. In addition to lowering taxes and killing King Roberto Carlos, the fascists demanded democracy and free elections with an auditable vote. Thanks to Joaquim Silvério, however, the militia was demobilized and, by 9×2 (according to the electronic voting machines of the time), Tiradentes was sentenced to hang.
3. You know that electronic voting machines have always been safe – and woe betide anyone! What you don’t know is that the first big suspicion of fraud involving the infallible machines occurred in 1888, during the National Plebiscite on Slavery. Research at the time showed a clear advantage for the slavers, although their main leader, João Maurício Wanderley (PT-BA), could not go out onto the streets. Afraid that the result of the vote could be manipulated, the abolitionists even tried to mobilize, but were harshly reprimanded. In the end, the abolitionists won in the second round, but even today there are those who say it was in the first.
4. In Hinduism there is a god for everything. It is only natural, therefore, that there is a temple there dedicated to electronic voting machines. Designed by Oscar Niemeyer, the Temple of Perfect Technology (whose acronym in Sanskrit is TSE) is located in the city of Faquínia. The temple is inhabited by positivist monks who every two years hold the Electronic Vote Festival, which attracts millions of tourists to see the ritual in which elephants, wearing black robes, trample huge boxes full of papers in which people express their dreams. It’s cruel.
5. In 1912, the year of the sinking of the Titanic (which carried a precious cargo of electronic voting machines), Niels Bohr, using an abacus that belonged to a Chinese sage named Xi Jinping (no relation to the dictator current), made the first calculations for the construction of a quantum electronic urn. Due to lack of funds, however, the project never went ahead.
6. Over the centuries, geniuses such as Leonardo da Vinci, Graham Bell, Nikola Tesla and Patativa do Assaré have made several suggestions that, in theory, would make electronic voting machines safer and the electoral system as a whole more transparent. Because of this, they were all included in the Fake News Inquiry, accused of heresy against the constituted electoral authority and burned in the public square.
7. Adolf Hitler, in addition to being vegetarian and genocidal, was suspicious of electronic voting machines. And here is an etymological curiosity: it was during the well-known Infamous Speech Number 5 in G Minor, delivered in Nuremberg, that Hitler coined the word “hacker”, after choking on a peanut shell.
8. Among the objects left on the moon by Louis Armstrong and his less famous cousin, Neil, were a Beatles record, a constitutional law book by Alexandre de Moraes, a berimbau and an electronic ballot box. That works until today!
9. In 2019, the yacht George Soros was on sank in the Pacific. Forced to choose who and what to save from shipwreck, the billionaire (played by Billy Zane) jumped into the life raft carrying his Open Society corporate credit card and an electronic urn – which he later used to, in Morse Code , and still lost in the blue immensity, determine the results of democratic elections in Bhutan and Bangladesh.
. In the elections of 2021, two hackers, named Zé Antônio and Carlos Eduardo, used the password #ForaBozo 1234 to invade the TSE system. The aim, the crooks later declared, was just to promote the “cause of the hoopla” (possibly a reference to Nazi leader Hans Zoeira). At the time, they used the hyper-secure alphanumeric keyboard, as well as the extremely high-precision software, to write 50135 (which, if read upside down, rudimentary forms the word “BREASTS”) and promote electronic ping pong championships in thousands of polling stations across the country.